All Sun Signs are Serial Killers Apparently

Trigger warning: This blog post is going to talk about people killing other people in horrific ways. If that is going to cause you any spiritual or emotional damage to read about, this is not the blog post for you. All topics are completely hypothetical and based on the archetypal identities of the zodiac. Sex crimes are briefly mentioned. Please take care of yourself first and foremost.

When I set out to write this I was intitially just going to talk about how Pisces, Gemini, and Virgo are the most likely to kill you. Those three sun signs boast the most known serial killers, and there is certainy something to be said about each archetype that garners a psychopatic killer, however as I dove into the research for this post I figured out that, honestly, we all have the capacity to do great meticulous evil. So today we’re going to look at what kind of serial killer you are most likely to become based on your sun sign.

It is to be noted that the brutal glorification of serial killers in modern western society is gross as fuck, but there is a reason for the madness, and that is because all us gross fucks can’t seem to be disinterested in it. I am very against people killing people, yet I am also very into serial killer documentaries and pretty much any crime show related to murder. So, for all my fellow Scorpio freaks, let’s get weird and gross and completely hypothetical all up in this mother fucker.

Aries: The first sign of the zodic comes in hot with 8 known serial killers.

Ego and passion come together in a dangerous dance for this archtype. This is the pure psychopath, someone who thrives on the thrill of killing and doesn’t have the human ability to feel a single shred of real empathy. They kill simply because they feel like it and they see no reason to not do something that they want to do, even if society says “no dude, that’s super unchill of you.”

Taurus: This sun sign boasts a cool 5 known serial killers.

This is the serial killer who lures you into their home where you find, much to your dismay, a grotesque room filled with instruments for butchery. They are going to kill you like a piece of meat and store your body in their commercial sized walk in freezer so that they can enjoy the flesh from your body for weeks to come. It’s not their fault, they just love the taste!

Gemini: This well loathed sign comes in with a whopping 12 known serial killers.

This is the guy (realistically serial killers are dudes, let’s just be honest) who is going to charm the pants off of you. This is the one who has a litany of people who will say, “he was such a great guy, sweet, cheerful, and so helpful! I don’t think he could possibly do those heinous things!” And as my sister once said, “Gemini’s are for Lifetime movies.”

Cancer: This absolute angel managed to create 4 known serial killers.

This is the serial killer who locks you up in a room in their house. You think it’s you’re regular run of the mill kidnapping for ransom until you realize that you are in a baby’s room. They’ll probably torture you for the sole purpose of taking care of you, what is is called? Muchhausen’s Disease. They’ll poison you to keep you sick so that they can take care fo you like a mommy. Shit, they’ll probably make you call them Mommy.

Leos: This is a sign that is all about love and beauty so it’s no wonder that they are the bottom of the list with only 3 known serial killers.

This is the serial killer who has always wanted to be a famous movie star, but ater years of trying they have only been faced with repeated rejections. The first kill probably came from an act of firey passion, stabbing the casting director in the parking lot, but soon it evolved into more. After all, killing people is one sure fire way to make a head line.They live for the flashes of the camera as they walk up the court steps to their trial day after day.

Virgo: This earth sign gives us 10 known serial killers.

This is the calculated, ritualistic killer. This is Dexter Morgan with his hours of carfeul planning, maybe even over planning, and fine tuned execution. This is the killer who is perhaps the most devoid of emotion. This is a mechanical, OCD type of killing that has to be done a very specific way and for a very specific reason. And you better believe they aren’t leaving a single fucking shred of DNA behind.

Libra: This well loved sign gave birth to only 4 known serial killers.

This is someone who experienced a great wrong doing in their youth, something that changed their genetic make up forever. These killers are trying to right that initial wrong, like The Boondock Saints. Maybe they seek out abusive parents to stop violence against young kids. Maybe they kill 7th grade math teachers because of that F they didn’t deserve. Maybe they kill greedy poloticians or law makers.

Scorpio: This sign that is known for being obsessed with death and darkness comes in with 6 serial killers.

I’m sorry Scorpio baby angels… but this is definitely the archetype of the sex crime serial killer. This is the person who gets off in really weird ways, and I mean really weird ways. Let’s be honest, this is a male serial killer for sure and he is putting his dick in so many things that he has no busy putting his dick into. So. Many. Things.

Sagittarius: This passionate sign lays claim to 6 known serial killers.

This is the archetype of the divine proffesor, so this is the killer who wants to open you up and look at your insides. This is Dr. Frankenstein, arrogant with knowledge and willing to prove his science at all costs. This killer is going to chop you up in the name of higher learning! This gross jerk thinks he’s doing the work of science but he’s really just doing some fucked up shit.

Capricorn: My sun sign gave us 6 known serial killers. Did you notice that the last three signs have all given birth to 6 known serial killers…

This is the type to kill in order to further their career. Mysterious deaths happen around them all the time, usually poisoning but maybe a few passionate pillows to the face, nothing that gets them too dirty. They’ll kill their bosses, co workers, business partners, husbands, anyone who impedes their success. They have a goal, and it’s to be better than everyone else. At all costs.

Aquarius: The second to last sign comes in low with only 4 known serial killers.

These are the cult leaders, the charismatic individuals who have the ability to control a large and ever growing group of people. The Aquarius serial killer isn’t necessarily going to ever even get their hands dirty because they have the undying loyalty of a group of innocent people to do it for them. They lure you in with an idealistic world view and then 5 months later they’re instructing you to kill people.

Pisces: The final sign ties with Gemini as the most known serial killers but it also has the most famous ones like John Wayne Gacy, Donald Henry Gaskins, Richard Ramirez, The BTK Killer, and Aileen Wuornos (if you can even count her).

This is the serial killer who is doing some crazy ritual because the voice of God or Satan told him to do it. This guy is talking to demons and taking baths in blood. When you walk into their house there is occult symbols written on the walls and a giant pentagram on the ground. This guy is either possessed by a demon or want to be.

This was fun in a sick Scorpio moon kind of way, but I will never get over the fact that I wrote a whole blog post about serial killers and astrology, and yet I’ll never know the sun sign of the Zodiac Killer.

My Capricron sun, Aries moon, Scorpio rising friend once told me that if she were a serial killer she would chop the hands off her victims or cut out their hearts… What would you do?

She asked me what I would do and I honestly didn’t and still don’t have an answer. I just can’t even pretend that I have any desire to kill or hurt a human being. I’m a fucking vegan who won’t even kill a spider. I’m tender af and only growing more and more tender as I get older.

fire meme series brought to you by zodiacmjl on IG.

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