Nerd Trap: Which One Of The 12 Colonies Are You From

Alright, we’re going real niche here because this post is for anyone who loves both astrology and Battlestar Galactica… If you fall into that sub genre of human beings, let’s be friends. Seriously.

So we all know (do we?) that the Cylons blew up the 12 human inhabited planets known as the 12 Colonies of Kobol at the start of the revamped show. Sidenote, how fucking horrific is that? Blowing up 12 whole planets? Genocide is disgusting enough, it’s hard to fathom xenocide…

Ok, we all also know that the 12 planets are named after the 12 zodiac signs (who is this we all I keep talking about) (we all is just code for me and all the voices in my head). This has to do with the fact that the people of this world are polytheists and believe in many of the greek and roman gods and goddesses. Recently my roommate and I, who are obsessed with astrology as of late, decided to look into the 12 Colonies of Kobol more deeply. We were more than a little excited to see that the colonies were not only named after the zodiac signs but also take on some the characteristics of their associated signs.

Using knowledge gleaned from the internet and a bit of my own imagination, let’s look at the planets and see the similarities between the signs and this made up planetary system. Let’s use our sun, moon, or rising signs to decide what planets we would have inhabited before the Cylons killed almost the entire human race and left us to die on the Battle Star Gallactica.

Aerilon is named after the first fire sign in the zodiac, Aries. Aerilon is home to food production due to its temperate weather and reliable seasons. It’s also unsurprising that its an agricultural planet since Aries, more so than many of the other signs, takes great pride in their physical health and appearance. This is the sign most ruled by the ego (this has to do with the number 1 and being the first sign in the zodiacal year).

There aren’t many water ways on this planet aside from the Euclid river and some mangroves near the equator. It’s one of the poorer colonies and thusly grows a rough around the edges kind of person. This is unsurprising as the Aries native is a hands on kind of person and thrives in agression; they are governed by the planet Mars. Many join the military (have I mentioned agression?) and are generally more religious than other planets. These are the doers, the athletes, the hot heads, kind of person who only lives in the moment, and the crazy teenager who wants to try everything at least once.

Tauron is named after the first earth sign of the zodiac, Taurus. The planet hangs out at the edge of the star system with only one other planet, a big uninhabited gas giant named Ragnon. I can’t think of anything more Taurean than chillin in the vast outskirts of the solar system with the one friend that you actually like, secure, safe, and comfortable. It’s a generally arid planet without many wild flowers, but despite that there is good agriculture to be found there. Which is good for the Taurus native because if there is one thing Taureans love, it’s food. And if there’s one thing Taureans love more than food, it’s good food.

Like the stubborn Earth sign, the people who inhabit this planet refuse to let go of their old language, called Tauron (Caprican is the official language of the colonies). Tauron is often butting heads (or shall I say horns) (the Taurus symbol is the bull)  with the federal system of the colonies. This was the home planet of a number of wars and gives birth to a stubborn, proud human, much like the people who’s sun, moon, or rising falls under this sign.

Gemenon is named for the first air sign in the zodiacal year, Gemini. This is by far and away one of the most disdained signs, probably because it’s one of the top 3 sun signs of serial killers and our current president in cheif, Tronald Dump. However, I think they are a wonderful and deeply misunderstood sign! This planet shares its orbit with Caprica; they switch positions in the sky every 28.2 days. This is why its known as a twin planet, which is fitting because it’s also known as a twin sign. Gemini’s have fluid personalities and a habit of changing their personality to fit the given situation. To be honest, don’t we all? (give Geminis a break!) This orbit thing has got me trippin’ though, can you imagine how cool it would be to see another planet in the sky as close or closer than our moon is to us?

Much like a Gemini’s personality, the climates change drastically on Gemenon. From steaming deserts to trecherous frozen land, this colony has got it all. This is a sign of the intellect and communication, and that’s why Geminis can be so manipulative, because they are smart as hell (EXCEPT DONALD TRUMPET). Interestingly for this planet, this intellect manifests as being devoutly religious. There is a Pantheon complex built in the second largest city, Illumini, with buildings erected to worship each of the many gods in their belief system. They also use their own language, Old Gemenese, as well as Caprican, and they are super against abortion.

Canceron is named for the first of the water signs in the zodiacal wheel, Cancer. This is the planet with the highest population before the First Cylon War. Perhaps because Cancers love the home and family life, therefore a planet with more people would make sense.

There are two great land masses on this planet both with popuar beaches, large cities, and slums that come with them. One of the largest cities is named for the Greek God of the Underworld, Hades. Most people write Cancers off as being soft and emotional, which they are, but they are represented by the crab because they have a hard shell and will fucking pinch you if you provoke them. So it’s no wonder that the planet Canceron has some of the worst slums in the planetary system.

This planet has it all, argriculture, mountains, beaches, resort towns, but this isn’t exactly the kind of planet I would assign to the deeply emotional, full of love and magic, and endlessly charming sign of Cancer. These people really love family and home life, so I would love to see some aspect of that on this colony.

Leonis is named for the second fire sign in the zodiac, Leo. The colony Leonis managed to retain their culture and language, Leonese,  despite colonial unification. And that’s pretty fucking Leo of them because Leo’s love themselves and they are loyal as hell (but still always the most loyal to themselves).

You can live the good life on this planet as the temperature is super predictable since there is no axial tilt to the planet’s orbit. There are galaxy renowned ski slopes, castles on rivers, exclusive beach resorts, and their own brand of energy drinks and sparkling wines. This is the life a Leo wishes to live, with all the the activities and socializing that they could dream of. If you haven’t noticed, I’m not a huge fan of this fire sign (I’m working on accepting them) but I can’t deny that this sounds like a pretty chill planet to be from. The only thing I would add is a hollywood type aspect to this colony. Leo’s are the entertainers of the zodiac, so this planet needs a thriving entertainment industry!

Virgon is named for the second earth sign in the zodiac, Virgo. It’s not surprising that the Virgon city Boskirk was the capital of the colonies for a thousand years before Caprica City. Virgos are organized, efficient, and hard working. If there is any other sign that can rule a planetary system, it’s this Earth sign. This is also the 6th sign in the zodiac and the number 6 pertains to selfless care giving, and wouldn’t that be nice from a government system?

So aparently there is a substance called anthracene that, when exposed to UV light, turns the air blue on this planet. I have no idea what the fuck this has to do with Virgos but it’s weird and I am here for it. Naturally, this is a wealthy planet as earth signs tend to be materially successful. Virgon also has a declining monarchy which I believe has to do with the Virgo natives pride and sense of duty, which makes a monarchy seem understandable. And this colony has their own beer called Virgon Brew because, never forget, Virgos can let loose (just not all too often).

Libran is named for the second air sign in the zodiac, Libra. Interestingly enough this is a tropical planet, and on top of that it is often overcast and rainy there. Unsurprisingly this planet is home to the Supreme Hall of Justice. Libra is the only sign whos symbol is an innatimate object, the scales. This is because Libra’s are just and fair, at least when they aren’t gossiping, which is something these natives are very prone to. Everyone loves a Libra though, that’s why they have so much gossip to share, because everyone tells them everything.

There really isn’t much information on this planet despite the courthouses, lawyers, mangroves, and swamps that inhabit it. Libra’s are people persons, they love to socialize more than any of the other signs so I wish there was some aspect that highlighted that on this planet. Maybe there is a bumpin bar and club scene on Libran because Libras need to let loose or they may explode from boredom.

Scorpia is named for the dark and moody water sign Scorpio. This is another tropical planet complete with lots of hurricans and humid rain, mirroring the often dark and murky Scorpio demeanor. There is a half ring in the stratosphere that surrounds the planet that looks like a scorpion’s tail; the scorpion being the symbol of Scorpio. Also, its caliptal city Celeste is home to the colonial stock markets, which just seems odd to me. Scorpios are ruled by darkness and sex, not stock markets. Go put that stock market on Virgon where it belongs!

There are vast jungles on Scorpia which are probably filled with secrets, just like Scorpios are. There are many unexplored regions on this planet, much like the hidden emotional depth of this water sign. This is a morally low colony with prostitution widely practiced. Look, Scorpios are dark, deep, and ruled by their genitals (it’s literally the part of the body associated with Scorpio). I find it endlessly hilarious that this planet also happens to be know for its paragliding? Because if there’s one thing to know about Scorpios it’s that you’ll never truly understand them.

Sagittaron is named for the final fire sign in the zodiac, Sagittarius. This is one of the poorest of the colonies due to it’s continual territorial wars between Virgon and Leonis (and then Tom Zarek came in to further fuck shit up). To be from Sagittaron is a rough hand to be dealt in the world of BSG. The climate is nice in the valleys, however life above the valleys of this planet is difficult. Many natives therefore become accustomed to living a solitary life. I think this is interesting seeing as I’d never call Sagittarius a loner sign. In fact, this fire sign loves to talk, teach, and debate… not sit alone on a mountain!

They are devoutly religious in this colony, so much so that they use prayers instead of modern medicine. They also aren’t allowed to sing, show public desplays of affection, play, and pretty much do anything else fun. Honestly this is a fucken weird colony and it’s the only one that I just don’t see a single correlation between the sign and colony. Sagittarians are intellectuals, deeply passionate, love to travel and learn foreign languages; this colony goes against all of that!

Caprica is named for the best sign in the zodiac, Capricorn. JK Caprica is named for the most misunderstood sign in the zodiac (I’m not biased at all). Here in the alt dork world of BSG, Capricorns finally get the respect and devotion we all secretly desire but keep hidden behind the 37 walls we have built around our hearts. Caprica is the heart beat of colonial civilization with the new Colonial Capitol being Caprica City (previously Boskirk on Virgon, of course).

This is one of the wealthiest colonies. Probably because if there is one thing a Capricorn understands, it’s that time is money (money is power, power is pizza, pizza is knowledge). This colony is the leader in politics, culture, art, science, and industry, because Capricorns do not understand the concept of taking it easy. Capricorns always strive to be the best, though each of us defines best in different ways (hench why we are misunderstood) (we’re not all workaholics in the classical sense of the word). Caprica, being a leader in technology, is also where the first Cylons were made. Nothing is more Capricornian than being like look I made this thing, oh shit maybe I shouldn’t have made the thing.

Aquaria Aquarius is the final air sign of the zodiac. People who have a sun, moon, or rising sign in Aquarius are generally the weirdos of our world. They don’t like convention and they despise anything normal, in fact they seem to go out of their way to be strange and different. So it’s no surprise that this planet is unlike any of the others in the colonies.

Aquaria is a cold little planet that proudly retains a small year round population of around 75,000. It’s one singluar land mass is called Kyros and is shaped like a crescent moon with a volcano on each tip. A bunch of weirdo scientistsic live here and they are as Aquarian as one can be. They barter instead of using money, are socially accepting, relentlessly independent, and use the purest form of democracy where everybody gathers around in a symposium and votes for stuff. Oh and if anyone isn’t down for this funky way of living, they have no problem voting you off the island and exiling you to another planet for the rest of your life. Because Aquarians seem cool and chill but if you’re a jerk they will cut ties forever and not blink an eye.

Also There is a banging festival called Summerfest every year that attracts up to half a million people with it’s music, dance, theater, and poetry. Aquaria is the land of weirdo scientists and weirdo artsy people, come one come all!

Picon is named for the final water sign, and the final sign, of the zodiac. Unsurprisingly this planet is made up of 75% water, a pretty literal translation of the sign. This planet is known as “The Ocean Colony” because of its numerous seas and harbors. It’s a beautiful planet with warm summers and frigid winters.

The capitol, Queenstown, grew from a fishing villiage which is unsurprising since the symbol of Pisces is two fish. The planet is known to be one of the more advanced and wealthier colonies, mimicking it’s esteemed place as one of the wisest and successful signs. Despite its lush landscape and success, this planet does not have much acclaim at all which lends itself to the calmer nature of Pisces natives. I think Pisces are the coolest, so I’m a little bummed there’s not more information on this colony. There should defintly be a mystical element to this planet.

There really is so little information out there about the colonies so I got all my information from this one article because it had the most information I could find. Click this link to read it.

So what planet are you from? As a Capricorn sun, Scorpio moon, and Aquarius rising I think I’m going to live on Aquaria personally. Comment below with your answer! Don’t comment below if you found any typos, I’d just rather not know.

So say we all!

Also, I think I’m an Apollo sun, Helen moon, and Gaius rising. Just saying.

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